Saturday, January 06, 2007

Dear Idiot: We Hate You

Actually, I don't think hate is strong enough. Loathe. Abhor. Despise. Wish you nothing but pain and suffering for eternity. Of course, there's only one poor excuse for a human who would elicit such strong feelings: Cracolici - the turdface previous owner of our home.

Earlier this week, I noticed that some of our kitchen cabinets were leaning forward a bit. So we thought this would be a good weekend to see what's going on and correct the problem.

This is how our morning began. We took down one of the cabinets and found that the screws Mr. Bunghole used to install the cabinets were about an inch too short.

Between the drywall and the laths (slats that plaster is put on), 3 inch screws aren't long enough to sink into the studs. After 6 years of holding heavy plates and bowls, the cabinets started pulling away from the wall. Joe went into his shop, got some 4 inch screws, and went to work. The plan was to just replace all old screws with longer ones. Strange thing, though - we put the longer screws into this one cabinet, and it still wasn't holding. Meaning - THE SCREWS WEREN'T ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THE STUDS. The only thing to do, then, is take down all the cabinets, find the studs, and put them back up properly.

Here was a fun find - this glob is dried construction adhesive. Mr. Assmunch realized he had some problems, and he "fixed" it by filling some of the gaps with glue.

Here's a good look at what Joe has been doing today. Note the hole in the wall (was the stove vent) and the misc items we've had to take out of the cabinets.

And this is what my dining room looks like now. Boxes and piles of glasses, plates - some even overflowed into the living room. My house looks like a yard sale.

This is the way you find studs in an older home (studfinders generally don't work due to the extra crap in the walls): you cut a strip out of the wallboard, brush away the plaster crumblings, and you find your studs. I've marked in yellow where the studs are. The red circles are where the screws were. One out of every 6 or so screws was in line with a stud, but due to the short screws even THOSE weren't effective. Bad aim, or just not giving a shit? You be the judge.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason for this new level of hatred.


Lorena said...

Oh, sweetie. How cold is it outside? Can you sit out on the porch for an hour or so with some knitting and a nice Scotch...? I wish that we were there to help!

AtomicWoodworker said...

My dear wife did quite an admirable job describing our day...Luckily for us, we went through a similar situation with our office cabinets. Once we knew what was going on, it went pretty quick. At least the cabinets are good & strong now :-)

lorinda said...

You don't have strong feelings about it, though, do you? ;)

Good thing you guys are a good team.